“Endure and survive."
How a video game helped me understand my grief.
I wrote this blog post a few years back about how the video game ‘The Last of Us’ helped me cope with the loss of my brother. Since then, it’s been made into a TV series for HBO (the creator Craig Maizen actually read the original blog which I’m still not over), so I thought I’d re-share it in the hopes it might inspire you to find comfort during your grief in the art of videos games, books or TV shows.
“Endure and survive." The words spoken by Ellie, one of the main protagonists from a survival video game called ‘The Last of Us’. It was the first video I played after my brother Elliot passed away in 2013. It helped me in coping with my own grief.
Growing up, gaming became a form of communication between my brother Elliot and I. It was a language you could speak with very few words, a universal speech where the only barrier you would face was a computer-controlled enemy at the end of each level. Recently, I started thinking about what a big part video games played in my childhood. There are pivotal moments in our lives we can replay on a projector in our mind when we hear a particular song or see a certain scene from a film. The same stands for video games. They sit like hardback books in the library of your memories, sparking moments of joy where you’d lose yourself in the imaginary world of a computer-animated game whilst sitting cross-legged on your living room floor.
Like most siblings, my brother and I would argue. We’d argue about what to watch on the telly. We’d argue about who ate the last Belgium bun from the two-pack I’d saved to eat after school. We’d argue about the colour of the sky if given the opportunity.
But one thing we always had in common was our love of video games.
We were introduced to the wonders of the gaming world from a young age. One of my earliest memories was how my grandad would let us play his Sega Mega Drive with it’s 8-bit Sonic the Hedgehog game. We’d race that little blue hedgehog round in circles, collecting golden rings until our eyes grew square and we had to go home, the repetitive soundtrack still ringing in our ears on the car ride back.
When we were a bit older, my dad bought a PlayStation. I don’t think he had much knowledge of gaming, so a friend lent him some of his games to try. It wasn’t long before my brother and I had booted my dad off the console and had taken over.
My older cousin James showed us how to play Tomb Raider II with a boxy-looking Lara Croft, running and diving robotically around a pixelated landscape. We tried so hard to kill that tiger in the cave, but my brother and I would just end up laughing maniacally as we locked the butler in the freezer for the 100th time.
As we grew older, our interests changed. And yet, our love for gaming was still strong.
Most of the time it was Elliot who would have the controller in his hands, but we’d work together to solve difficult levels or challenges, communicating with each other to complete the game. Sometimes we’d just talk about other stuff whilst we played.
It became a prompt for us to speak about how our day had been or any worries we had about the world. Most of my memories with Elliot included video games. I still remember the excitement on his face when I’d gift him the video game he’d wanted for ages which I’d brought with money from my part-time job.
After Elliot died, I lost interest in gaming. It didn’t feel right to play video games anymore. That was our ‘thing’, and he wasn’t here anymore to talk to about it.
The Xbox console we once shared began to collect dust like a decrepit tomb, wasting away in the corner like it was forbidden to be touched or looked at.
I didn’t really think about it too much in the darkest days of my grief, but after a few years passed I had a sudden urge to buy a PlayStation 4. I wanted to connect with those memories again and embrace them without pain and crushing sadness.
The PlayStation came with a pre-installed game called ‘The Last of Us’. A friend had recommended it to me before, but I hadn’t been in the right mindset to play it.
All I knew about the game was it was set during a zombie apocalypse and followed two characters, Joel and Ellie, as they navigated a post-apocalyptic world where humans were just as dangerous as their undead counterparts. It seemed like the distraction I needed. However, it wasn’t long before I realised this video game was a lot more than what it seemed. Like a book, you lose yourself in the first chapter, the game leading you through a narrative you can’t escape from.
Just a warning, there are spoiler alerts ahead!
The game starts twenty years before the present day. The main character Joel is bringing up his 12 year-old-daughter Sarah in Austin, Texas. It’s not long before Joel has to flee from his home as the zombie outbreak begins. In the first scene, we see Joel trying to escape as he heads toward the highway. A soldier begins to shoot at him in an attempt to prevent them both from crossing the border whilst potentially infected with the virus. He is shot before he can kill our main protagonist, but as Joel looks down at his crying daughter beside him, he realises she has been shot. As Joel pleads for Sarah to stay with him, she slips away in his arms.
For the next 20 years, Joel barely speaks of his daughter, the pain of his grief too much to bear as he carries the weight of his loss throughout the game.
In those first 15 minutes, I am torn. My heart feels like it’s been ripped out and my own grief rises to the surface like a rip tide trying to pull me under. It fucking hurts. And yet, for the first time in two years, I feel my grief is reflected back at me.
I feel seen and understood for the first time since my brother’s death. And so, I continue to play. And I’m so thankful I did. I wouldn’t be exaggerating when I say this game saved me. It helped me understand a grief that seems unexplainable.
As you follow the cinematic game, you watch a unique friendship unfold between the two main characters. Joel, who has now become a smuggler in a world where survival is the only answer, is tasked with accompanying a teenage girl, Ellie, across the United States and handing her over to a militia group called the ‘Fireflies’.
Throughout this journey, they lose friends, many falling victim to the infection which turns everyone into cannibalistic mutants with a single bite. Unlike normal zombies, they are eventually overtaken by the Cordyceps fungus (yes, this is a real thing…).
Like most video games, The Last of Us has a level of strategy. There were many times I had to put the game down and walk away when it all got too much (Hotel Lobby, I’m looking at you…) Unfortunately, gaming is not for everyone. Some people just don’t ‘get it’. And that’s okay. But I wish more than anything I could share the lessons this game teaches to others struggling with their grief, trapped in unimaginable circumstances, and wondering how they’ll survive such a devastating loss.
Joel and Ellie find each other when they need it most. Both are lost souls learning to navigate and understand a world that has caused them such pain and sadness, taking away the people who meant the most to them. They develop an unbreakable bond in their grief with unspoken words. Each one understands the other and why they are the way they are, despite not knowing much about each other’s past.
I don’t think I’d ever completed an entire video game before I played The Last of Us. I certainly hadn’t cried as hard as I did at the scene in which Ellie and Joel, standing on the roof of an abandoned building, spot a herd of giraffes trudging across the deserted ruins of the city. Ellie reaches out to stroke a giraffe’s face before the two of them watch over the landscape as the herd disappears into the horizon. It is beautifully symbolic. In the midst of all the pain and darkness, there is a moment of pure joy where the full weight of grief is lessened. In between all the noise, there is peace.
The game gave me hope during a time when I felt I had little to lean on. And for this, I will always be eternally grateful to Naughty Dog, and their best-selling video game.
"No matter what, you keep finding something to fight for." - Joel